i'll be the fire that'll catch you

 
Love my random posts? I thought so. Apparently, I had the mindset that I was actually like, going to blog and shit, because as I opened up the window to post, the little 'would you like to restore your draft!' box popped up and there was a little something written about valentine's day. Guess I just got lazy again, that happens a lot, doesn't it? My posts on this damn thing are so sporadic. And weird. Note to self: do not read old posts. Eugh.

Right now, things are sort of at a standstill. I decided not to take classes this semester, in hopes that I would find a job and work, build up a bank account so I could at least help make my way through a semester or two without any real financial aid. No job yet, though, but keep your fingers crossed that starbucks or borders or ... anywhere else that I apply will want me! So I've been sort of Susie Homemaker-ing it lately. Making sure that the apartment is clean, helping with dinner, all that sort of good stuff. Sometimes I don't mind it and then other times I can't really stand it. Sometimes I don't mind being in the house and then other times I really hate being cooped up. I just try and remind myself that when I do go back to school and probably top that off with a part-time job, I'll probably be glad that I had taken a little bit of time off, because I'll be wanting it right back.

The only thing that's irritating about the whole ordeal? The people that like to ask what I'm doing/whether or not I've found a job/something to do/etc frequently. Um, hello, don't you think that you would be informed? Obviously.

Moving on, I'm going to do some little ranty-rant right here. I'm not sure if I've ever said anything about this anywhere else other than to a couple of individual people, but it's been dragged up all over again and I just need to get it off my chest.

( ranty-rant! )

FOR SOME GOOD NEWS NOW.

I have finally finally finally started learning how to drive again. My dad took me out today (yesterday? It's1 am I don't even care), but we just drove around a parking lot for like forty-five minutes. And I did pretty damn good. Until a cop was in the area and I kept going, "oh my GOD I CAN'T DO THIS I'M SO NERVOUS HE'S WATCHING ME HE'S JUDGING ME" while trying to steer the car and turn and make sure that I don't brake too hard and give my dad whiplash. Don't worry, don't clear the San Diego roads yet - I won't be heading out on those for a while.

To sum things up, I'm happy right now. Things, overall, are good. Except I'm sleepy right now and I'm totally wrapping it up for that reason. Maybe I'll actually keep up with this thing. It'll be try number 290429123. 

 I totally missed that today was February 1st.

What the hell.

To think that it's a month into the new year is really weird, because this only has to happen like - FOUR MORE TIMES and then I'll be graduating. Holy shit. Can this happen now, please? It would be wonderful.

I always manage to forget about LJ, and the last time I did remember it, I drew up a whole post and something happened and it totally failed so I deleted it and just didn't care to write up an entirely new post. Phew. Not that a whole hell of a lot is happening lately. Well - sort of.

The new year came and went and I moved in with my mom second week of January; now I'm with my dad on the weekends (oh yeah he got married by the way, I know it's soon but she's amazing), which is kind of BLEH for now only because friends-plans are shot for a while since they're out in the middle of nowhere-ish. But it's beautiful up there, especially when it's not raining and it's been sunny like it has been since that bitch of a storm that hit us a couple of weeks ago. OH, SPEAKING OF (not really), but there was an earthquake this morning at about 6:20 am.

Yeah. That wasn't fun to wake up to.

In other news, I'm also back into reading the HP series after getting distracted [I blame school andmaybeotherbooks]. And after this I'm going to go read, because I reallyreally don't feel like bothering with homework. Well, not yet at least. Even though I'm sort of enjoying The Age of Innocence for my english class? I need to stop telling people that, because I get these weirdass looks that sort of read "Kristen stfu." And I'm sick of people telling me that I only get things right because a) I'm smart or b) I was in the AP english class last year. You know what, no, I just [eventually] take the time to do my work thoroughly. Sorry.

END MINIRANT, I'M SORRY GUYS.

In some more other news, Dear John is out in 5 days and holycrapI'msoexcited it's not even healthy how excited I am for this movie. It's going to be another The Notebook phase I think. I'm secretly hoping the DVD will be out in time for a) My 18th birthday (holy hell amazing present) or b) Christmas (holy hell amazing present). EITHER WAY I'M GOOD. 

I think I'm done rambling now, but [as usual] I wanted something up here. :S I'm setting this as a bookmark on my toolbar so hopefully I won't forget. OFF TO READ PRISONER OF AZKABAN,

♥

So, this song "Hey Stephen" it's pretty cute, right? I've been listening to it a lot since I got this cd.

.. On problem.

Hilary, my dad's girlfriend, has a son name steven. SONG RUINED. 

.. It's okay, because I still love it.


On a completely different note, SENIOOORR YEAAARRRR. And it's actually pretty damn nice so far. Not too hard yet, minus pre-calc. I'm just so glad that I'm going to be able to graduate that I'm not complaining about my extra classes (yet). Over summer I was worried I'd either have to take the GED or take extra classes at the college, which would have meant a lot of driving back and forth. But we (mom and I) worked everything out with the counselor. And it looks like these next nine months will go by pretty fast.

And.. I'm not sure if I'll be moving after graduation now. I feel like theres things I need to take care of down here. Plus.. financially, I couldn't do it. I don't have a job and won't have a job until I'm in college. And it'd be a helluva lot easier to find a job here than up there. So, we'll see what happens.

So there's my little update! Hi lj, i miss you. <3

In my last entry I talked about this guy that I'd met while i visited my best friend - the older brother of another mutual friend. Over the past few months I've come to know him as my older brother but at the same time, I've also sort of harbored some feelings for him. Nothing big now. But I don't know how things are going to go anymore.

He's been drinking and doing drugs (prescription pills, not like that's any better) again, and chewing tobacco. He has 30 days to move out of his house. It scares me a little not knowing what's going to come out of this. But I can only hope and pray that he doesn't move in with a friend that's still involved with what he was - meaning dealing/doing drugs like crack.

We haven't talked since my birthday, so it's been at least.. two weeks now. I want to say something to him - something, just anything. Some sort of reassurance that yeah, while this sucks (and it's honestly what I've been afraid of happening since the beginning), I still love him, you know? And not lovelove. But. You guys know that.

I don't know. We'll see.

getting random texts at 11:30 from new friends/big brother type people apologizing for not saying goodbye.
it's going to be hard not to feel for this boy, but i'll do it.


in short my trip was amazing. it's hard to grasp that in just over a year, i'm moving there. it'll be my home. i'll be with my "family". :) i was leaving a church this morning and i said goodbye to one of my friend's moms and she asked when i was coming back, so i told her not til june. she frowned and said she hated to see me go because it was like i was one of them. it warmed my heart because honestly, i feel like i'm a part of that - even from however many miles away, but i never knew if it was acknowledged by anyone else. being gone for two weeks gave me the ability to actually.. form friendships with people. so it was really nice. i can't wait for june :D i can't wait for summer! it'll go by fast. in less than a month, i'm going to be in DC. WHAT WHAT!

..watching certain parts in hancock with four boys is kind of.. awkward. but i actually enjoy being the only girl sometimes. it makes me feel like one of the boys.

i need sleep because i'm just going to keep babbling. i needed to update, though.

<3

YOU'RE THE MOST EFFING RETARDED SCHOOL EVER.


-- recently, i guess my school has decided to implement saturday school as a way to ensure students get missing assignments done. apparently, my house was called, and a message was left about me attending last saturday, the 28. I DID NOT HEAR ABOUT THIS UNTIL TODAY.

never once was i approached at school.
the principal or counselor NEVER called me into the office or anything.
no email.
NOTHING.

complete and utter bullshit.

i don't pick up the house phone. nobody tells me when i get a message.
it pisses me off. SO. BAD.
i want to vent and cry and throw something. when my dad told me this i was afraid that i'd throw my ice cream at something. i'm still pretty livid.

life is just ... hectic as of late. finances are weird around the house since mom moved, so we're trying to accomodate. i'm getting tired of her coming around and especially smoking in the house. i just find myself annoyed with her lately, she seems to immature at times that i'm just.. i'm just done.

on the upside, i leave friday to spend two weeks with my best friend. we've been talking a lot lately about the future - ours together mostly. after my two years in community college, we're going to get an apartment (that way we have time to put money into savings when we get jobs) in between a university we might transfer to and her hometown so we can still attend her parent's church and keep in touch with our friends at another church. it's only about.. 20-30 minute commute back and forth i think she said. but i'm excited. i'm not in so much of a rush to grow up and get, but i'm just.. excited for the prospect. it's going to be fun. obviously hard but fun nonetheless. i hate to be the one thinking that the big bad world will gobble me up, because i know it only will if i let it.

i guess this is it. quick update. quick rant. i needed some sort of outlet before.. i exploded completely.



<3 hope all is well.

At first, this was hard to think about, because I get the usual - your hair is pretty, you have a nice smile, oh you've never had braces? But such things don't tend to be so... impacting. Instead...

My best friend calls me her hero, and for reasons unknown to me. But everytime she says it - or when I see it on her myspace, whatever - it just warms me and makes me feel as though I've done something good in the world. Everyone wishes that they could impact one person in their lifetime positively, and it makes me feel as though I already have.

today; note length.


today; note length! 

:D.. i'm so excited. I LOVE IT. <3
*dances*

Excuse the crap quality. Camera phone was the easiest thing to do.

I was THIS close to getting asked out for valentines day. A friend of mine likes me - we text a lot, I'm probably giving him the wrong impression - and last night he asked what I was doing. I told him that I was going to see my best friend, starting friday and coming back monday. And he was like oh that's cool, so I asked him why. For the longest time he wouldn't tell me (well, he gave one of the reasons, being that saturday is mom's moving day), but of course it wasn't hard to realize. I probably would have said no, though, even if I wasn't going away this weekend.

.. I just think it's exciting :D And ironic that, on valentines day, while he wanted to spend it with me, I'll be around the guy I like.

My brother and I are going to stay with Nicole this weekend and saturday we're helping a friend of ours move; they're getting evicted. :( And then who knows after that. BUUUT, I'm really excited for that. This will be mine & nicoles first Vday together in .. eight years, since before she moved.

Lalala. I'm sick, poo. I didn't keep warm enough in the snow I think, so now I'm all congested and crap.

I wish I could blow off my homework.. and sleep.

I feel like those around me are tiptoeing on eggshells. Mostly, just my mom and my dad. Well, actually, it's really more of my  mom than anybody. I'm always asked if I'm okay, how I'm doing. Do you expect me to be fine? Do you expect me to be okay with all of this - seeing the boxes around the house and things missing? Of course I'm doing bad. Of course I'm upset, but I don't want to show it every waking moment. They say they want me to talk, to be open, but I'm sure if she saw what was going on in my head and how I really felt, she wouldn't want to hear it.

Mom's moving saturday, Valetine's Day. I'm going to try and get out of the house; dad's going to see (I think) if I can go up to Nicole's again. As long as I'm not here and I'm not involved.

On a not so depressing note, this weekend was really good. Yesterday and Saturday I was at a retreat with my church and we went up to the same camp that we did for winter camp. That sounded.. weird. Anyway. It snowed ALL DAY yesterday. It was so beautiful. :D It was my first snowfall ever, too. My friend got some pictures, and I have some on my phone, I'm sure they'll be posted.. somewhere. At some point. I left late last night with a group of about.. 6 others. I kind of was supposed to stay today, but it was a "fun" day and the larger group was going snowboarding - heck no for me. :P Plus I need to go into physics tutoring because I bombed the test with a 60. Oops. Anyway, again - the weekend was good like I said. Everytime we had a "meeting", they had us do these interviews where we'd find someone we really didn't know well and we'd go back and forth with prepared questions. It was actually kind of fun - out of the like, 4 or 5 times we did it, I only met with one girl.

One guy I talked to, the last person I met, I'd actually met him before but he made me sit down anyway. He asked me when I got saved and I told him, and he was like "did you smoke a lot of pot?" and the way he said it was just so.. I don't know, like the way a little kid would. Very straightforward and in an innocent sort of way, even though he was a pothead himself before he became a Christian. It made me laugh.

We played MadGab, too. I was utterly amazing. Of course. ;)

That's it. I'm leaving at 12:30 to go to school and I'm still in my bathrobe and my hair's wrapped in a towel.

Toodles <3